Sei/eri un metallaro se...

Questa è roba che risale al 2000 o giù di lì. Ai tempi mi divertii come un matto a leggere la lista della spesa che segue e riconoscere che per il 90% era attendibile. Siamo veramente stereotipati, è un dato di fatto; per questo mi incazzo quando certi “metallari” che vedo spesso ai concerti prendono le cose troppo sul serio, senza rendersi conto che sono/siamo diventati dei fumetti ambulanti. L’autoironia aiuta, a patto che si voglia essere aiutati. Più comodo (ed “elitario”, che brutta parola) per molti di noi continuare col gioco dei “guerrieri del rock” e dividere ancora il mondo in “true” e “false”. Salvo poi svegliarsi un giorno e rendersi conto che quel mondo non solo non esiste più, ma non è forse mai esistito, se non in qualche mente facilona di quindicenne. E ora il quindicenne si fa un mazzo così in una fabbrica, o è un ragioniere, o ha un figlio a carico e non capisce cosa stia succedendo: dove sia finito Thor, come mai tutti conoscano Ozzy Osbourne proprio ora che non incide più dischi o quasi, perché il negozio di fronte non abbia più le cassette da 47 minuti, come mai Michael Kiske non canti più negli Helloween... Chi lo sa. Il tempo passa. Spetta a noi stargli dietro.
Tornando alla lista, la fonte originale era la mailing list dei Blind Guardian. L’autore rimane a me sconosciuto. Alcuni riferimenti possono essere oscuri ai non anglofoni, ma il grosso è perfettamente comprensibile.
Certo, comprensibile a chi “è o era un metallaro”…

YOU ARE/WERE A METALHEAD IF...
- you, at one time, tried to make the sawblade wrist bands that Blackie Lawless wore and/or you tried to make the Kerry King nail armband.
- you know that the Dio logo turned upside down reads “devil”.
- “NOT” was in your vocabulary.
- you remember when Metallica was never on the radio or MTV.
- you were in love with Lita Ford or Doro Pesch.
- you saw the movie “Trick Or Treat” in a theatre.
- you constantly had to explain to people that “Bon Jovi is not metal and he SUCKS”.
- when you watch MTV News you recognize Megadeth's “Peace Sells” bass line at the end of the segment.
- you liked the Beastie Boys because Kerry King played guitar on “License to Ill”.
- the brim of your baseball cap was turned upward with MOSH written on it.
- a A D.R.I. mosh guy and Misfits t-shirts were must-haves.
- “Poser” was in your vocabulary.
- you learned a little history by listening to Iron Maiden.
- you or someone you knew had “The Number Of The Beast” album cover painted on the back of their denim jacket AND/OR your denim vest was covered with pins and embroided patches.
- you had discussions on Metallica vs. Megadeth.
- “Caught in a mosh” was going to be the title of your A&E Biography.
- you wore Jams.
- you played “I'm The Man” to some of your rap friends.
- you had albums on Combat Records.
- you thought German metal would be the next big thing.
- bands like Poison, Winger, Trixter, Kix, and all the bands with the word “White” in their name were killing you.
- you know how to pronounce and spell Yngwie Malmsteen.
- chicks in high hair and spandex ruled.
- guys in high hair and spandex sucked.
- you really hated Tipper Gore.
- you secretly liked Queensryche.
- you wrote on your pants.
- your pants were in their prime when they ripped.
- at every show there was one black metalhead (and you thought that was pretty cool).
- you can name all the members of SEKA.
- you think Cliff Burton should be canonized.
- you find that “Angel of Death” would make a catchier national anthem than the "Star Spangled Banner".
- you find yourself yelling “SLAYER!” at shows they don't even play.
- you think Iron Maiden is classic rock.
- you thought Ministry was dance music.
- you won't drive in a car if there's no tape deck.
- you wore fingerless gloves even in 90 degree weather.
- you wanted to draw comic books for a living.
- you thought Chris Holmes was cool in "Decline of Western Civilization Part 2: The Metal Years".
- you can name every guitarist Ozzy had after Randy Rhoads.
- you thought KISS actually meant Knights In Satan's Service.
- you always remember the “J” in Yngwie J. Malmsteen.
- you think the higher the hair, the better the woman.
- you wish Ozzy was your dad.
- you thought hair shorter than shoulder length was selling out.
- you thought hanging earrings were tough.
- you had a skull ring.
- you regularly measured your hair to see how long it got, and felt intimidated by guys with longer hair than you.
- all your favorite songs had one note basslines.
- Ozzy could fart in a microphone, and you would force yourself to like it.
- you fought over whether Motley Crue's makeup made them Glam.
- camouflage shorts/pants were a good portion of your wardrobe.
- you thought the measure of a man was how high he could sing.
- you owned either leather pants, a leather vest, or chaps, and you're not a cowboy.
- you don't feel tardy, awwww you think the clock is slow.
- you know that after “Nothing else matters”, nothing Metalica put out did.
- your most memorable concerts had a 15 minute: guitar, bass, and drum solos.
- you're working hard to bring back baseball t-shirts.
- you KNOW in your heart that the mullet haircut WILL come back someday.
- you refer to Roadsaw as the 'saw, and Judas Priest as 'Priest.
- you knew what Steve Vai was “saying” to Dave on his guitar.
- you know the difference between M.O.D., S.O.D., and D.R.I..
- you fully lace up your workboots only for weddings.
- you think that concerts without explosions are a “rip-off”.
- you think that a concert with under 5 encores is a “rip-off”.
- you cut the sleeves off of your denim jacket so it would fit over your leather jacket.
- tou owned either shorts or a sleeveless t-shirt with the British flag on it.
- you remember when the quality of a band was directly proportional to the “slutiosity” of its groupies.
- like a cape to a bull, white baseball caps triggered a violent response in you.
- you thought it was funny to ask for a “bottle of anything and a glazed doughnut to go” at the kwiki-mart.
- you thought that wearing a leather vest WITH a shirt was a fashion faux-pas.
- “Old School” was in your vocabulary.
- when confronted with tough life decisions you ask yourself, “What would David Lee Roth do?”.
- you have had a subscription to one or more metal magazines.
- you give people the hand sign of the devil when they do something cool.
- you can name all the VJs that hosted Headbanger's Ball.
- you know what SOD song they played in the opening segment of Headbangers Ball.
- you can name every person that was ever in KISS.
- when you hear a song on the radio start with a bell, everyone else thinks it's “Hell's Bells”, but you think it's “Journey to the Centre of Eternity”.
- you actually thought Grim Reaper was cool.
- you think pipe organs are cool.
- you had the “What is that?” monologue from the Twisted Sister “I Wanna Rock” video memorized.
- you had the narration from “Shout At The Devil” memorized.
- you thought Death Angel was pretty cool for a bunch of kids.
- you pretended to like Death Angel just because of the cool name.
- you caught a piece of Eddie's brain.
- you didn't care much for Whitesnake's music, but you loved the videos.
- you remember the Killer Dwarfs.
- you remember when Metallica didn't make videos.
- you know what a “megadeath” is.
- you get angry when people spell Megadeth with an A.
- you recognize all the riffs that Beavis and Butthead air-guitar.
- you've just about finished re-buying your entire tape collection on CD.
- you know what N.I.B. and S.A.T.O stand for.
- you though that Tony Iommi looked like Doug Henning.
- you know Charlotte's address and how much she charges.
- you remember when Def Leppards drummer had two arms.
- the only times you think about politics is when you listen to “War Pigs”.
- you know Kai Hansen is a wussie name, but you don't dare say that.
- you can name at least 3 bands with the word “Iron” in their name.
- you read Judge Dredd comics for one reason and one reason only!
- you think that if a band doesn’t have a cool way to write their name, they probably suck.
- it doesn’t matter if you like the Misfits or not - you wore their shirts because Metallica did.
- you say “metal”, because people who say “Heavy metal” are just wannabe metalheads!
- you have nightmares of the whole world wearing baggy pants and stocking caps only to wake up and realize that it's true!!!!!
- everything you know about the Bible you learned from “Creeping Death”.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT A METALHEAD IF...
- you wear leather jackets strictly because they are warm.
- you think Ronnie James Dio is “one of those hot guys on the WB”.