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04 maggio 2006

Sei/eri un metallaro se...

Questa è roba che risale al 2000 o giù di lì. Ai tempi mi divertii come un matto a leggere la lista della spesa che segue e riconoscere che per il 90% era attendibile. Siamo veramente stereotipati, è un dato di fatto; per questo mi incazzo quando certi “metallari” che vedo spesso ai concerti prendono le cose troppo sul serio, senza rendersi conto che sono/siamo diventati dei fumetti ambulanti. L’autoironia aiuta, a patto che si voglia essere aiutati. Più comodo (ed “elitario”, che brutta parola) per molti di noi continuare col gioco dei “guerrieri del rock” e dividere ancora il mondo in “true” e “false”. Salvo poi svegliarsi un giorno e rendersi conto che quel mondo non solo non esiste più, ma non è forse mai esistito, se non in qualche mente facilona di quindicenne. E ora il quindicenne si fa un mazzo così in una fabbrica, o è un ragioniere, o ha un figlio a carico e non capisce cosa stia succedendo: dove sia finito Thor, come mai tutti conoscano Ozzy Osbourne proprio ora che non incide più dischi o quasi, perché il negozio di fronte non abbia più le cassette da 47 minuti, come mai Michael Kiske non canti più negli Helloween... Chi lo sa. Il tempo passa. Spetta a noi stargli dietro.
Tornando alla lista, la fonte originale era la mailing list dei Blind Guardian. L’autore rimane a me sconosciuto. Alcuni riferimenti possono essere oscuri ai non anglofoni, ma il grosso è perfettamente comprensibile.
Certo, comprensibile a chi “è o era un metallaro”…

YOU ARE/WERE A METALHEAD IF...
- you, at one time, tried to make the sawblade wrist bands that Blackie Lawless wore and/or you tried to make the Kerry King nail armband.
- you know that the Dio logo turned upside down reads “devil”.
- “NOT” was in your vocabulary.
- you remember when Metallica was never on the radio or MTV.
- you were in love with Lita Ford or Doro Pesch.
- you saw the movie “Trick Or Treat” in a theatre.
- you constantly had to explain to people that “Bon Jovi is not metal and he SUCKS”.
- when you watch MTV News you recognize Megadeth's “Peace Sells” bass line at the end of the segment.
- you liked the Beastie Boys because Kerry King played guitar on “License to Ill”.
- the brim of your baseball cap was turned upward with MOSH written on it.
- a A D.R.I. mosh guy and Misfits t-shirts were must-haves.
- “Poser” was in your vocabulary.
- you learned a little history by listening to Iron Maiden.
- you or someone you knew had “The Number Of The Beast” album cover painted on the back of their denim jacket AND/OR your denim vest was covered with pins and embroided patches.
- you had discussions on Metallica vs. Megadeth.
- “Caught in a mosh” was going to be the title of your A&E Biography.
- you wore Jams.
- you played “I'm The Man” to some of your rap friends.
- you had albums on Combat Records.
- you thought German metal would be the next big thing.
- bands like Poison, Winger, Trixter, Kix, and all the bands with the word “White” in their name were killing you.
- you know how to pronounce and spell Yngwie Malmsteen.
- chicks in high hair and spandex ruled.
- guys in high hair and spandex sucked.
- you really hated Tipper Gore.
- you secretly liked Queensryche.
- you wrote on your pants.
- your pants were in their prime when they ripped.
- at every show there was one black metalhead (and you thought that was pretty cool).
- you can name all the members of SEKA.
- you think Cliff Burton should be canonized.
- you find that “Angel of Death” would make a catchier national anthem than the "Star Spangled Banner".
- you find yourself yelling “SLAYER!” at shows they don't even play.
- you think Iron Maiden is classic rock.
- you thought Ministry was dance music.
- you won't drive in a car if there's no tape deck.
- you wore fingerless gloves even in 90 degree weather.
- you wanted to draw comic books for a living.
- you thought Chris Holmes was cool in "Decline of Western Civilization Part 2: The Metal Years".
- you can name every guitarist Ozzy had after Randy Rhoads.
- you thought KISS actually meant Knights In Satan's Service.
- you always remember the “J” in Yngwie J. Malmsteen.
- you think the higher the hair, the better the woman.
- you wish Ozzy was your dad.
- you thought hair shorter than shoulder length was selling out.
- you thought hanging earrings were tough.
- you had a skull ring.
- you regularly measured your hair to see how long it got, and felt intimidated by guys with longer hair than you.
- all your favorite songs had one note basslines.
- Ozzy could fart in a microphone, and you would force yourself to like it.
- you fought over whether Motley Crue's makeup made them Glam.
- camouflage shorts/pants were a good portion of your wardrobe.
- you thought the measure of a man was how high he could sing.
- you owned either leather pants, a leather vest, or chaps, and you're not a cowboy.
- you don't feel tardy, awwww you think the clock is slow.
- you know that after “Nothing else matters”, nothing Metalica put out did.
- your most memorable concerts had a 15 minute: guitar, bass, and drum solos.
- you're working hard to bring back baseball t-shirts.
- you KNOW in your heart that the mullet haircut WILL come back someday.
- you refer to Roadsaw as the 'saw, and Judas Priest as 'Priest.
- you knew what Steve Vai was “saying” to Dave on his guitar.
- you know the difference between M.O.D., S.O.D., and D.R.I..
- you fully lace up your workboots only for weddings.
- you think that concerts without explosions are a “rip-off”.
- you think that a concert with under 5 encores is a “rip-off”.
- you cut the sleeves off of your denim jacket so it would fit over your leather jacket.
- tou owned either shorts or a sleeveless t-shirt with the British flag on it.
- you remember when the quality of a band was directly proportional to the “slutiosity” of its groupies.
- like a cape to a bull, white baseball caps triggered a violent response in you.
- you thought it was funny to ask for a “bottle of anything and a glazed doughnut to go” at the kwiki-mart.
- you thought that wearing a leather vest WITH a shirt was a fashion faux-pas.
- “Old School” was in your vocabulary.
- when confronted with tough life decisions you ask yourself, “What would David Lee Roth do?”.
- you have had a subscription to one or more metal magazines.
- you give people the hand sign of the devil when they do something cool.
- you can name all the VJs that hosted Headbanger's Ball.
- you know what SOD song they played in the opening segment of Headbangers Ball.
- you can name every person that was ever in KISS.
- when you hear a song on the radio start with a bell, everyone else thinks it's “Hell's Bells”, but you think it's “Journey to the Centre of Eternity”.
- you actually thought Grim Reaper was cool.
- you think pipe organs are cool.
- you had the “What is that?” monologue from the Twisted Sister “I Wanna Rock” video memorized.
- you had the narration from “Shout At The Devil” memorized.
- you thought Death Angel was pretty cool for a bunch of kids.
- you pretended to like Death Angel just because of the cool name.
- you caught a piece of Eddie's brain.
- you didn't care much for Whitesnake's music, but you loved the videos.
- you remember the Killer Dwarfs.
- you remember when Metallica didn't make videos.
- you know what a “megadeath” is.
- you get angry when people spell Megadeth with an A.
- you recognize all the riffs that Beavis and Butthead air-guitar.
- you've just about finished re-buying your entire tape collection on CD.
- you know what N.I.B. and S.A.T.O stand for.
- you though that Tony Iommi looked like Doug Henning.
- you know Charlotte's address and how much she charges.
- you remember when Def Leppards drummer had two arms.
- the only times you think about politics is when you listen to “War Pigs”.
- you know Kai Hansen is a wussie name, but you don't dare say that.
- you can name at least 3 bands with the word “Iron” in their name.
- you read Judge Dredd comics for one reason and one reason only!
- you think that if a band doesn’t have a cool way to write their name, they probably suck.
- it doesn’t matter if you like the Misfits or not - you wore their shirts because Metallica did.
- you say “metal”, because people who say “Heavy metal” are just wannabe metalheads!
- you have nightmares of the whole world wearing baggy pants and stocking caps only to wake up and realize that it's true!!!!!
- everything you know about the Bible you learned from “Creeping Death”.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT A METALHEAD IF...
- you wear leather jackets strictly because they are warm.
- you think Ronnie James Dio is “one of those hot guys on the WB”.

Etichette:

2 Comments:

Anonymous BlackBraveKnight said...

Troppo bello!! Ti metto subito tra i link del mio blog, e scopiazzo un po'!


BBK

17 luglio, 2007 18:27  
Anonymous BlackBraveKnight said...

Mi ci trovo, mi ci trovo...
Magari qualcosa non l'ho vissuta di persona (sono dell'86), però mi sono entrate in testa di riflesso. Eheheh...


BBK

17 luglio, 2007 19:09  

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